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These days just about everyone is getting into filmmaking. From my barber to my butcher. It is easy, you know. In a nutshell, this is how you go nuts making a film: Look for a script. Look for the funds. Look for the stars. Look forward to the end of your ordeal (which is what filmmaking is all about). And finally go to the theatre and look for an audience. If you don't find any, Bollywood folks will pat you on the back in sympathy. And if you find an audience, the same folks will congratulate you and pat you on the back. With a knife. Here is a tip. Never make a film with children or animals. They are the most unpredictable performers to work with. Assistant Director: 'This dog is refusing to do anything!' Director: 'Hey, it is playing a police dog in our film. So if you want it to do something, you have to offer it hafta!' Cast only outstanding actors in your film. Even if they are not, after doing your film, they will become out-standing: all standing out of the studio, looking for work. Here is another tip: at any cost, keep your costs down. Say, you have to go all the way to the US to shoot at the Grand Canyon. Don't! Shoot right here in Mumbai. Seen the potholes in our roads? They make the Grand Canyon look like a rat hole. If you have to shoot in another part of India, you have to put up your stars in Hotel Ritz Plaza. But shunt your crow to Hotel Roach Palace (where even the sewer rats move about in high heels to keep their feet off the carpet of filth). Unit hand: 'There are cockroaches in my room!' Hotel Manager: 'Ha. At the cheap rates we charge, what do you expect in your room? Kareena Kapoor?' (By the way, if you spot a roach in your hotel room, spare its dear life. Not only because all life is sacred, but also because, once you take its life, its pallbearers will take over your room. They will be crawling all over.) Anyway, if your crew members drink, no problem. They won't care where you lodge them. After all, after a few drinks, even a mangy mouse that creeps into your bed looks like Dia Mirza. Yes, an alcoholic cast and crew are good for you. They turn up for work in high spirits. What matters in the end is that your film should hold the audience. So much so, they should not stir from their theatre seats. They are so fast asleep. Nor should your starlets let the audience down. When these girls wear peek-a-boo outfits, the audience should not take one peek and boo. |
