You know you are a Parsi when.
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By Mahernoz Percy Daruwala
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This is a simple humorous article, people. Do take it lightly without fighting!
You know you are a Parsi when.
-Your mom wakes you up extra early on the first day of school/your parsi birthday so that she can do tili and sagaan. You go to school and your friends ask you why the hell you have rice in your hair.
-You compulsively drink tea at all hours of the day[in India you wake up your servants at 3 am and tell them to make you tea.
-If you're a girl, you've had a thing for a Parsi guy at least once
-If you're a guy, you avoid Parsi girls.
-You stress out over the most ridiculous things.
- Your grandmother and mother get upset if you go to the beach and come back with a tan because then who will marry you.
-You're off the marriage market if you get too tan.
-However, if you're fair enough, it doesn't matter what you look like or how smart you are, you'll get a decent spouse.
-You know at least 3 ways to use oil. Only 2 of which include cooking.
-You've had to drink cow piss at least once in your life.
-You've bathed in milk and rose petals at least once in your life.
-You've had to change your clothes in front of 400 people, while your mom and the rest of the women in the family were holding up a cloth so that nobody could see you.
-You've had to pull off wearing 5-9 yards of silk wrapped around you.
-You've had the equivalent of at least one peg of brandy by age 10.
-Your parents have decided who you should marry by age 10.
-Aunties have seen you as Vohu[daughter-in-law] material since age 5.
-You're ridiculously pampered if you're a boy, especially the first boy.
-Nobody can ever pronounce your first and/or last name properly.
-When ordering a drink at Starbucks you've give a name that is pronounceable to the American public. Ex. Phiroze becomes Phil.
-You give your dog a tili on his/her birthday.
-You buy a new car and the first things you do:
oYou take an egg, spin it around the car seven times
and throw the egg on the ground
oYou put a tili on all 4 tires and on the front bumper.
oYou roll over some lemons and eggs with the tires.
-You've eaten about every single type of food.. "per edu"
-You eat at least 3 eggs a day but will still probably live into your 90's.
-You go on Facebook and Myspace looking for other Parsis.
-You've been asked why there's a "string" hanging from the back of your shirt.
-Indians never believe you when you say you're from there.
-People were drunk at your first birthday party.
-If you marry a "parjat"[non-parsi] your parents will disown you for a year or two but then eventually come around, though never entirely.
-Your uncle gave you champagne when you were 4 days old.
-All of your sadhras have a little red letter on it with your initial.
-Your middle name is your father's name... no if's and's or but's about it... doesn't matter if you're male or female.
-More than likely your last name ends in -walla, -wala, -vala, or -ia.
-Your last name also more than likely means some type of profession or where you're from.
-You've felt the need to snap three times when somebody says something bad or when there's anything that might suggest Ahriman's[the devil's] influence.
-You'd be skinned alive if you ever wore black to a wedding, navjote, birthday or your own family's party.
-Wearing a ring on your left hand before marriage is bad luck and means you'll never get married.
-Your idea of a blessing is to have a bunch of rice and rose petals pelted at you.
-You've been told never to eat fish with yogurt.
-You never cut your hair on Hormaz roj or during the Mukhtads.
-You are vegetarian on certain days.
-You know that peacocks are bad luck.
-You'd pick yellow gold over any metal any day.
-You celebrate New Year 3 times a year. Once on January 1st with the rest of the world. Once in Spring for Navroze, and once in August for Pateti.
-You have two birthdays and get presents on both days.
-If you're a girl, you've mastered the fine art of cutting an onion by age 9.
-You've had a cold and been forced to drink milk and haldi, which didn't even help your cold but on top of that gave you a stomach ache.
-If you're a boy, your mom has to teach you to do laundry when you go to college or you just save it until you come home.
-You know about the mystical powers of 4711 Eau de Cologne. AKA COLON WATER because Parsis can't speak French if their life depended on it
-Your parents make you drink brandy when you're sick, and whisky if they think you might be getting sick.
-Your friends come to a Parsi party and think you have a ridiculously huge family because you call everyone auntie or uncle.
-You wore a jabloo as a child.
-You have to go to India or Iran to go to temple.
-You give your dogs either parsi names or name them after alcohol (ie. Brandy, Whiskey, Rum, Sherry, Gin, etc.).
-Your dog loves parsi food
- Everyone has their own secret ingredient for curry
- Your idea of vegetable dish is "ma gos"
- Auspicious days are not auspicious without rava or sev.
- Chokri gori hovi joye
-one Parsi peg every evening without fail
-chalk per pug nai muko
-celebrate birthdays of darya, chulo, etc etc
-pani no got pi nay gher thi niklo
-no converstaion without 'badam-pasta' (i.e. MC, BC, etc)
-achoo michoo does not mean you have the flu
-When YOU look at the "ARSI" and fight with that "PARSI in the ARSI".
-You use expressions like "Khodai!" or "Bapre" or "Oh mari maire" all the time.
-You eat onions with EVERYTHING and absolutely love it.
-You fry onions in mass quantities to add to everything you eat on a daily basis.
-Akoori isn't akoori without at least 40 eggs.
-You give birthday money, donations, gift certificates etc. in amounts ending in one, you don't care that non-parsis look at you strangely when you do this.
-Whenever there are 2-Parsis there are 3-Opinions.
-You never quite know what ethnicity to fill out on your college applications.
-You know that no Parsi home is complete without one of the three: a dog, a rooster, or a pomegranate tree
-You have an inexplicable love for all things british and consider the Queen your "rani"
-Your parents say they are leaving then talk for half an hour at the door, therefore you never take them seriously when they say it's time to leave.
-You shamelessly gossip about other parsis
Ex. You go over to someone's house or they come over to yours and two minutes after they/you leave, you start talking about them
- You don't cut your nails after sunset or on sundays, cause your granny said its bad luck
- A non-Parsi you meet finds out you are Parsi and immediately mentions another Parsi person they know expecting you to know them too (although that's actually right a lot of the time!)
- You have to have rice as part of at least one meal everyday
- You can't speak Hindi to save your life
- You overpay your home maid/servant.
- Non-parsis around you will think that as you are a Parsi then you are must be very rich.
- You were really into carrom at some point in your life
- Your superheroes as a kid consisted of Rustom and Sohrab (those were the bedtime stories narrated by your dad)
-You know that a girl can't start spouse hunting unless she can make dhansak
-You teach all your non-zoro friends to snap their fingers three times if they say/see bad things
-Your mother or grandmother always said "dont say Ahrimanic things or cry at night!" but even if you would say the same thing in the day, they still yell at/pinch you.
-You get a hair cut and your mom makes you go straight for a bath
-You get annoyed when your American friends say Chai Tea (b/c saying Tea Tea is so damn redundant)
-You don't cut your nails at night otherwise the "bhoot" will come.
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