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Ass Worship

By Subroto Mukherjee

In the past, foreigners used to have such misconceptions about our great country. To them, India was nothing but a strange land of magic and mystic, tantriks and rope tricks, snake charmers and yogi bears . or rather bare yogis.

Today the whole wide world has shrunk to a global village. Yet myths about India still abound in the foreign eye. And let's face it, in our own eyes.

So let me attempt to clear up some of the myths:

One: We Indians worship the cow. Yes, the Hindus do. But if we go by the leaders we elect to power and the celebs we emulate as role models, then surely we worship another creature: the ass!

Two: Spain 's national sports is bullfighting but our national pastime is cricket. But what about all the bull we have to fight all the time? All the bull that is thrown our way by everyone. From politicos to bureaucrats. And from the advertising and marketing people to profiteers.

Three: The Mafia or godfathers rule India . True. No matter how talented or enterprising you are, you just cannot make it in this country without the right contacts and connections, without a mentor or godfather to pull the strings for you. Unless you are Ravi Shankar or Amjad Ali Khan who have risen to their present stature pulling their own strings. The strings of a sitar and sarod.

Four: Today India of great opportunity.

Yes, you bet it is. Today any entrepreneur can get a one-crore public loan for his enterprise. But there is a catch. To obtain this loan, he ends up paying 90 lakhs in bribes.

Five: We Indians are all corrupt to the core. No way! We are essentially decent, sincere and deeply religious folks.

And honesty and hard work are our pride and mainstay. So what if we indulge in a few crooked deals now and then, here and there? Come on, give us a break.

Six: Once elected to high places, our leaders care two hoots for us. They no longer listen to us. No, quite on the contrary, they do. In fact, they listen to us with great interest.

When they tap our phones (if we are important enough).

Seven: When we complain to any office, branch or department of the government, they simply ignore us. Oh no, never! In fact, they promptly forward our complaint to the right department: the dustbin!

Eight: In fact event of a communal crisis, our government looks the other way. Or at least it does not do enough to protect our minorities. Rubbish! Sure it does. The government provides all security at least to one minority group: our VIPs and VVIPs.

Nine: Adulteration is rampant in India . Nonsense! Check out the food grains at your local baniya. That pious shopkeeper sits in prayer under pictures of details, with a stack of holy books for company. No wonder his wares are so pure.

Yes, so Pure, his food grains are pure sawdust.

Ten: Even after 60 years of independence, our villages are still lagging far behind our cities. No. Actually our villages are catching up so fast with a premier metro like Mumbai, these days a village even looks like Mumbai: the village has the same poverty, slums, bad roads, shortages, no water or power supply.

Eleven: National integration and unity in diversity are mere slogans that we dutifully mouth in India .

No, we actually believe in it and our leaders champion it.

Like Raj Thackeray. He wants 'outside' in Mumbai to feel at home. And he knows the best way to make you feel at home. By sending you home to your native state.

Twelve: Lack of wide-spread education is the root of all our problems. True. Also true: an Indian may not be formally educated, yet he can pretty smart and shrewd.

Ask him where the capital of India is and he will give you the correct answer: the capital of India is mostly in the pockets of crooks and politicos.